Basket case

People are a complex creature. A mix of emotions and thoughts.... What we feel VS what is "proper" by society's standards that define normal vs. not normal. SO what happens when you are hurt, when society and the people in it let you down? What happens when you hit the point in your life that you have no self-worth, no support system and no belief in the system of society itself or the people in it?....

As I said, humans are complex and our brains are even more so. We have the ability, the power to build walls, to block out others and the hurt and pain they may bring, the ability -- like no other creature on this planet -- to control our own emotions to an extent... Aren't we lucky?...

I have spent the last approximately 20 years hating myself, trying to figure out what I had done/was doing to push away everyone in my life and to be such a disappointment, building walls to block out the hurt and block out the people in my life capable of causing hurt, punishing myself for my own failings and the failings of all around me. If they are around me, it must somehow be my fault if they fuck up, right?... I had strong sturdy walls built that no one knew how to climb, though not many tried but those who did failed.

The thing about walls though is that one chink in the mortar, one loose or crumbling brick and the foundation begins to crumble and the structure begins to fall.

I do not cry. Crying is for sissies, girly girls and wimps. I am none of these. Though there have been times I have been overwhelmed by tears throughout my life I make sure I am alone and i fight them back as soon as possible then close them down again until the next time they build up enough to overwhelm me.

The lacking of the ability to share my emotions/thoughts/feelings with the men in my life has posed problems for many a relationship in my life. Though I know this, know that it frustrates the men in my life, I cannot seem to stop it. Just as I cannot stop the feeling of panic that attacks me every time I feel the tears coming on while in the vicinity of someone I know/love.

I'm broken. I say it often but it is not believed often enough. There are words, sounds, smells that will knock me so flat with memories that I will have nightmares for weeks. I cannot have a civilized debate/argument with a male without the fear that at some point during the conversation he will raise his voice too loud or make a sudden unexpected movement and I will be reduced to a quivering mass huddled near a wall repeating "im sorry" again and again....

Who wants to live like that? I certainly dont. I do not understand why someone would volunteer to be with someone who is walking, talking, unpredictable drama. Someone with so many hang ups and bad experiences in her life she makes Jerry Springer look like family TV.

I hurt him last night. I told myself from the beginning I had no business being with him in the first place. I dont. A girl with my baggage has no business being in a relationship of any sort. I am unhealthy for the relationships and the males in them. It doesnt matter that I didnt mean to hurt him. It doesnt matter that we "made up" later that night. I have become a negative influence, have created a negative impact and have no business staying in a relationship with a person I am causing emotional harm to, whether he admits to it or not.

I was callous, selfish and my need to keep myself hidden and locked down caused him emotional pain. Now the walls i worked so hard to build are crumbling leaving me open and vulnerable while his are building, keeping me out. I do not think it is a deliberate thing at all, just a reflexive move on his part due to pain I caused.

I am afraid. I look in the mirror and I cant find myself. There are two versions of me there - the one I see and believe to be real and the one those around me tell me I am -- I'm beginning to think they are both mirages. So if neither of them are real, who am I? And is she a person worth knowing? I'm not sure I ever want to find out.....

Have you ever looked in the mirror and just wanted to pick up a knife and stab it into the heart of the image on the other side, over and over and over again?....

What do you do with life when you come to the realization that you are the only person at the table who brings nothing to it? Have you looked around and seen yourself as the only gray blot in the room, the one imperfection among talent and kindness, friendship and a willing ear, success and happiness?.... Looked and known that you didn't & couldn't ever measure up to those around you or to the hundreds of expectations placed on you by yourself?...

Ever wondered if you would be missed if you died? thought about the lack of people who would be truly touched by your passing?... People would cry, sigh, feel sadness for a moment but how many would actually miss you, actually be affected in any way by the loss of you in their life on a day-to-day basis, the number is much smaller than you may realize and more pathetic still for those of us that have yet to leave a mark or lead anything resembling a memorable life.

It makes you realize how truly small you are to have these thoughts, to look around and realize the people who's lives you brush against would honestly be either better off or unaffected by the lack of you in their lives.

Sad. Pathetic. Small. That's me.

The things you learn about yourself through dating

I started having "boyfriends" at 14 when I moved to my dads. Over the past 18 years of "dating" (8 of which were taken up with marriage) I have learned a lot. About dating, boys and myself. In this blog I'll share a little bit of that knowledge with all of you...

1) I learned that "I love you" doesn't always mean I love you.

2) I learned that just because you share your body, that doesn't mean he'll share his heart.

3) I learned that loving someone doesn't guarantee that they'll love you back.

4) I learned that its better to ride out the ride than to give into your fears and leave the park.

5) I learned you cant measure every boy by the same yard stick

6) I learned that a lot of boys lie, all the time.

7) I learned to not assume that all boys lie.

8) I learned that being seen as fragile can be a bad thing

9) I learned not to be vulnerable around males if it could be helped

10) I learned that some males are psychotic assholes, and that the ones who want to isolate you from your friends are best to run far far away from.

11) I learned that I am a coward when it comes to emotion

12) I learned that confrontation in relationships makes me want to turn tail and run

13) I learned that I can easily become a doormat and I put the other persons wants and needs before my own more often than not

14) I learned that i have more of a "need to please" than is healthy, for me or for the relationship

15) I learned that I have low opinions of my body and am very self concious

16) I learned that talking about sex is fine with me, unless its initiated by someone else and applies to me and specific things I've done, then its embarrassing

17) I learned that the need to feel loved can lead me to do self-destructive things that make me love myself less

18) I learned sex doesn't = love

19) I learned that giving into something you don't want to do to keep from being forced into it only offers the illusion of control, not control itself.

20) I learned that your own opinion of yourself is more important than others opinions of you, but that its often hard to convince yourself of that fact

21) I learned not to wrap my own opinion of myself up in what the males in my life thought of me

22) I learned not to rely on others for my happiness

23) I learned that it is very important to be able to depend on yourself, be self-sufficient and always have a back up plan

24) I learned that I am more neurotic in relationships than I care to admit to

25) I've learned that Cosmo relationship quizzes are wrong more often than not

October is Adopt-A-Dog Month!

Thats right. The entire month of October is national Adopt-A-Dog month so I'm doing what I can to help spread the word for future Octobers as this October is almost over.

As someone who occasionally fosters and one who has seen the inside workings of shelters, this is a subject close to my heart.

Here are a few of the stories regarding dogs that have been "rescued" and the fabulous pets they turned out to be:
Punky came to Wendy by fate. She was a sighthound/shepherd mix. Her owner had fallen on hard times and been forced to move in with her sister who's dog constantly attacked Punky. In fear that Punky would be seriously injured or killed, her owner gave punky to a family she knew from work. After a month the new home dropped Punky at the local Humaine society because she was chasing their horses, they did this without notifying the owner. For reasons unknown, 24hours before Punky was set to be euthanised the shelter called her original owner and notified her of Punky's impending doom. She set out on a mission to find a foster family or home for her dog. Completely randomly she was able to get ahold of Wendy, someone she had never met before, and Wendy took Punky in. As I was Wendys babysitter/dogsitter I spent plenty of time with this odd-yet-cute looking dog with the sweet and hyper personality. We had her for 2 months before finding her the perfect home. Her new name is Missy, she has been with her adoptive family for a little over a year now and wendy still gets the occasional Email/pictures from them. Last we heard they were looking to adopt another "brother" or "sister" for Missy.
If it wasnt for people like that who had big hearts and open minds dogs like Punky/Missy would never have the opportunity to experience a loving forever home. Please remember the homeless pets out there when you decide to get a pet of your own.

Meet Sugar. Before I tell you about Sugar I will have to explain a little more about Wendy and me. Wendy got the idea to start a website called FACES to help educate on the homeless animal plight. It is still under construction and not nearly as big and thorough as we would like it to be once finished, but it still gets its point across. Shortly after she created it, she moved near me and I jumped in to help her with it. I created a myspace to compliment it and help get the word out. And on the myspace we joined lots of groups and began to spread the word. One of the people in those groups who was a friend on the FACES Profile emailed me about a dog that he had been told about and he gave me all the contact info for the person who had brought the dog to his attention. I got in contact with this person and was then told the whole story.
Sugar (nameless at this point) had been abandoned when her owner had moved out of his house and just left her in the backyard. After he moved, sugar had 9 puppies. a couple of the people on the street were watching the pups and occasionally leaving food for the dogs, but they still were not being fed on a regular basis and had no shelter. One of the neighbors who had known this man kept trying to get ahold of him but was continually blown off, then he noticed that the puppies were slowly disappearing. He got another woman involved and she (karen) was the one who brought Sugar to my attention and who gave sugar her new name. Sugar was too far away for me to be able to take in myself so I contacted Karen and gave her all the info of all the contacts I had in her area. I found some possible transport options and sent her advice on how to screen potential foster homes and adopters. I also helped screen some myself. We found a rescue to take in the two pups who were left but could find no one to take in sugar. Karen decided to take sugar in and foster her herself. Things were going well until Sugar got sick. She was coughing and wheezing, the vet said Pneumonia. Then Karen got the call. The pups had distemper and one had died. She emailed me scared and upset. Her dogs had begun showing signs of Sugars sickness and she was afraid they all had distemper.
I hopped online for info on distemper and how to treat it holistically. The news on symptoms was devastating; distemper is often misdiagnosed as pneumonia. She brought sugar in to be tested. Distemper was the result. After weeks of holistically treating, and many vet visits Sugar was clear. Unfortunately two of Karens own dogs were not as fortunate and died due to distemper.
Sugar now lives with Karen permanently, and while she doesnt cover the ache of losing Patches and Bitsy completely, she still holds a special place in Karens heart. I still get updates and emails from Karen regarding Sugar and she is doing very well. That skinny dog in the picture is not recognizable as the happy, healthy full of energy dog that Sugar has become today with Karens love and kindness.

Meet Squishy. He is the pink hairless puppy next to the shepherd mix. Thats right, puppy, he was less than 3 months old when this picture was taken. He was a BIG puppy. and a sick one. Squishy came in to the Orange County shelter with his brothers and sisters. He was the only one sufferng from demodectic mange and the shelter didnt want to deal with it. They also didnt want the expense of finding out wether it was demodectic or sarcoptic so the decided to hide the puppies and put them to sleep quietly without ever giving them the chance to be adopted or taken in by rescues. One of the volunteers there found out and made the puppies VERY public. two rescues stepped in and took the puppies, all but squishy. No one wanted to deal with his medical issues. Sammy and Wendy were working with a rescue at the time and the rescue asked them if they would be willing to take in one more. A specail needs puppy. Of course, they said yes. So Squishy came to live on the sanctuary that had become Wendy and Sammys home, and got his name.
with much love and daily holistic treatments Squishy began to grow hair and to resemble a normal dog again. He also got puppy energy and started acting like a normal healthy dog. When Sammy and Wendy had to move due to unforseen circumstances another foster person for the same rescue took Squishy on and fell so in love with him that she ended up adopting him herself. He lives a very happy healthy normal doggy life thanks to everyone that had the heart to take him on and give him tha chance he deserved.




If you would like to learn more about Adopt-A-Dog month you can go here:
American Humane

If you would like to learn more about the pet over-population problem and how you can help, go here: FACES
**WARNING** some of the content on the FACES web page can be extremely heart-wrenching.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this blog. And thank you to all who ever have or ever will do anything to help out with rescue in any way shape or form. You are all angels.

102 things about me...

1) If you look next to the definition of sarcastic in the dictionary you will see my picture. Ok, so maybe that is a slight exaggeration but if the people at webster had met me, they would SO put my picture next to the definition. They would, I swear.

2) Speaking of dictionary's, many of my friends say I need to write one, I apparently have my own language. I'm just cool like that.

3) I am an active fighter against BSL (Breed specific Legislation) and have a TON of info for anyone who ever needs to use it to fight BSL in their area.

4) I am a foster mom for dogs. I love animals and am a "big softy pushover" according to some so I dedicate my time on occasion to taking in the needy and unloved until they can find the forever homes they deserve.

5) I currently have 2 foster dogs who are up for adoption. Cherry, the boxer mix and Mocha, the ridgeback? mix.

6) I am 31 (almost 32) years old

7) I have both a myspace and a facebook profile

8) I have 3 sisters and 4 brothers, all but one are younger than me.

9) I am attracted to dorky personalities and boys who can make me laugh.

10) I have 4 wonderful children.

11) I have 4 moms and 3 dads ;)

12) I hate myself more often than not.

13) I am a "Supernatural" addict and could easily become a stalker of both those boys with little prompting...

14) I wish they hadn't canceled "Black Donelly's", I'm still waiting to find out who died. :/

15) my friend Wendy and I lead parallel lives.

16) My birthday is cursed and every year I ask all family and friends to forget it, every year they ignore my request. :/

17) My favorite time of year is autumn

18) I have a myspace friend named Autumn

19) My favorite holiday is Christmas

20) My best Christmas memory is of baking Christmas cookies, decorating the tall 13 foot tree in the family room and then pretending with my sisters that we were orphans in an orphanage who would be getting no presents that year while we camped out in the living room for the night under the tree...

21) my best winter memory is of spending time at the Tahoe cabin; drinking hot chocolate in front of a warm fire, playing arcade games in the game room, learning to shoot pool from my dad, sliding down the stairs in pillowcases, building igloos in the snow and being the best and fastest sledder in my family. I rocked that thing.

22) I cant water ski, but I ride a mean knee-board/boogie board (whatever its called).

23) my parents divorced when I was 8

24) My grandpa died when I was 9. That was the first event in my life to shatter me, but not the last.

25.) I'm a Capricorn

26) For the past 3 New Years in a row, I fell asleep before the clock struck midnight.

27) My favorite colors are Blue, Green and Gray.

28) My favorite type of food is Italian

29) I make a mean chicken curry, Chicken pot pie and Bruschetta chicken.

30) I have had men offer to marry me after tasting my cinnamon rolls.

31) I have a secret desire to own a hedgehog and a chinchilla for pets.

32) I love and collect Dragons.

33) I am precognitive and consider it a curse.

34) I have 3 nephews and no nieces :/

35) The best place I have ever lived was Washington State.

36) I am writing this list because my sister challenged me to after she wrote hers.

37) It is harder for me to write this than she led me to believe it would be.

38) I hate being skinny, I was teased all the time growing up and it sucked.

39) my nicknames in highschool were Princess and Kitten thanks to Tom and Woody.

40) I have a thing for boys who talk pretty and once dated an Irish boy for months for that reason alone.

41) I have had boyfriends from every branch of the military.

42) I was anorexic and bulimic as a teen/ early 20's.

43) I write poetry

44) My dream is to be a published romance writer.

45) I am a passion parties consultant. Want to add some passion to your life? Ask me how

46) I dont like to shop. But I have a weakness for earrings and boots!

47) I failed at marriage and make a terrible wife.

48) I relate better to boys than girls and prefer male friends over female.

49) I played with barbies for WAY too long

50) I like to give gifts and help to people better than I like receiving it.

51) I prefer having short hair but am trying to see how long I can grow it just for the hell of it.

52) I have had my heart stolen by a steer named Stanley and a sheep named Charlie.

53) I was a 4h member and raised a sheep named kix. After selling him I vowed to never eat lamb again and promptly quit 4h. It was a tough summer.

54) I am a Nora Roberts addict.

55) I love action flicks and will pick that over a chick flick 9 times out of 10.

56) I combined my two highschool nicknames to make my email address.

57) I was the CGA Queen in 1993, I got a sash, belt buckle and tiara.

58) I hate to cry and fight it whenever the tears come on.

59) If I could "turn off" my heart to prevent being vulnerable in love, I would.

60) The best present I ever got was when my sisters took me on a trip to Hawaii for my birthday

61) I often feel alone in a crowd

62) I broke my arm in kindergarten, middle finger in 5th grade, wrist in 7th grade, 3 toes in 7th grade and have had numerous cuts, bruises, sprains and scars.

63) I have a permanent indention in my cheekbone and chin from when my dog knocked me over face-first onto the pavement while walking her, causing the bones to chip.

64) I love chocolate

65) For my birthday I always have grasshopper pie from baskin robbins



66) my first french-kiss was in the summer before 7th grade on my front lawn @ 11pm. I can still remember every sound and how the air felt. It was sweet.

67) I am afraid of needles, sharks, clowns, heights, having my feet off the ground and flying in airplanes.

68) I hate going to the Dr.

69) Hospitals terrify me because they smell like death.

70) I have to take birth control for the rest of my life to regulate my hormones because I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome

71) I cant take Depo Provera because it sucks the nutrients from my body and makes me sick.

72) My sister Melissa and I are the Speed Uno champions of the family. We make a great team!

73) I was known as the town slut in Tracy before I ever lost my virginity.

74) When I was younger I wanted to name my first boy Dakota.

75) I was always Cody when we would play "bad girls" growing up.



76) I will never be Martha Stuart.

77) I love my crockpot, more than it is appropriate to love a kitchen appliance.

78) I am stubborn and argumentative

79) I am afraid to be vulnerable

80) I hate being thought of as vulnerable, fragile or weak

81) I am better at getting my thoughts out in letters than in face-to-face conversations

82) The chore I hate doing most is folding laundry

83) I label my appliance cords

84) I know all the words to almost every Disney song ever written.

85) My favorite movie is The Ghost and the Darkness


86) I sing in the shower

87) I believe whole heartedly that chocolate dipped cones from Fosters Freeze are a zillion times better than ones from DQ

88) I am now craving a chocolate dipped cone from Fosters Freeze

89) If you Google my name, I show up - and its for all animal-related stuff.

90) I plan things WAY in advance. If I'm going on vacation all things will be packed and double checked at least a week minimum before my leave date.

91) I have a thing for motorcycles and the boys that ride them. I firmly believe this is linked to childhood memories of riding behind my dad on his motorcycle when I was just a child.

92) I hate confrontation with those I know and love, but will pick fights with strangers all day long.

93) My favorite fruit is mulberries, mangoes come in a close second.

94) I believe avocado makes everything taste better

95) My favorite male musician is George Strait



96) My favorite Female musician is tied between Reba Mcentire & Martina Mcbride

97) Nothing makes me feel more at peace than riding full-out on the back of a horse with no saddle between us

98) My favorite band is Staind

99) I played clarinet in elementary school

100) I own the entire "chronicles of narnia" collection and still read and enjoy them to this day.

101) It took me two days to complete this list. :/

102) Writing this list was one of the most difficult things I've ever done.