Breaking Of The Dam

Strong. That's me. Ask my family, children, ex boyfriends, ex husband, close friends and many of them will say "She never cries". Ask them if they've ever seen me cry in the course of our relationship and at least 70% could truthfully answer no. I've been the steady shoulder to cry on and willing ear more times than I care to count, my own pain pushed aside in order to help heal the pain of others around me that were affected by the same circumstances.

When my parents divorced I played mother to my siblings on quite a few occasions as my mother dealt with lawyers, stress, grief and all the other wonders that come with the loss of an 11 year marriage. I confided in myself, God and my diary so as not to put more stress or worry on my mother. I listened to and consoled younger siblings, got ourselves snacks, played babysitter to them, etc etc. I believe that is when I taught myself never to cry as crying is a useless endeavor and wasted effort. I've held on to that belief for 27 years now, letting myself give in a little on the very rare occasions that I just couldn't hold in all the pain/fear/anger/grief any longer.

During the collapse of my fathers second "marriage" (in quotes because it was a common law marriage) I became his rock, I was his shoulder to cry on, quite literally and felt the weight of those tears both physically and metaphorically more times than one would believe possible after having the privilege to meet my tough and gruff father. I became mother once again to my siblings during their weekend and holiday visits, took over the household chores; cooking, cleaning, organizing, grocery shopping,etc. My own tears, worries & stresses were tucked aside in my own personal well of pain and grief deep inside my chest, the lid firmly placed over the well and a large stone boulder placed on top of that to hold it down. I became the perfect steady-as-a-rock willing ear and shoulder to cry on. Let no emotions show, always project confidence and a winning smile, always have a plan, fake it til you make. Those were all my mottos. I memorized them and lived them well. Some called me shallow and heartless, I think many of them actually believed it to be true.

Through break-ups, losses of friendships, deaths of loved ones and pets, sexual abuse, physical abuse, a foray into my own personal drug hell, anorexia/bulimia I held my hand out to no one, poured my pain and loss and fears out to a microscopic few and handled it myself with the minimum emotional displays possible (except one VERY VERY drunken night with my best friend). Some people know the extent of these stories, most don't and I can say that of those that do more than half were told by big mouth family members and not by me (thanks for that by the way- and you 3 know who you are- it's always wonderful to be blindsided by a friend/family member/acquaintance/significant other with extremely personal information you didn't share with them and had no desire for them to ever know).

Then came my big epic failure decision. The decision to let my children live for one year with their father. The reasoning made sense at the time and honestly still does if you look at it solely from a numbers/ list of facts point of view and ignore the personalities of the adults involved. Ignoring the selfish behaviors and epic asstasticness by a certain someone - just look at facts and figures and a random stranger would very likely come to my same conclusion, however I'm not a random stranger I knew this man inside out, was fully aware of his capacity for selfishness, competitiveness and epic asstasticness so therefore I should have known better.

After making and enacting this decision; I endured hateful comments and emails, recriminations, judgments, backstabbing, loss of support structure from family, my own doubts/fears/self-recriminations, extreme misery and longing from missing my munchkins, Slander in front of court officials and random strangers on multiple occasions, as well as a multitude of other emotional and physical ups and downs. I weathered them all, and gave very little outward notice to many of them. My pain was my own burden to bear, hate from others my own to shield and deflect. I held up very well. We are now going on year three of the "temporary" one-year agreement and year two of the actual court custody proceedings and it has taken its toll. Over the course of my lifetime the well I spoke of earlier was eventually dug out, expanded and became a large river with a strong solid dam to hold it back, that dam is now cracking.

I cannot name the number of tears shed the last year and most especially the last 6 months, the heart-wrenching & soul-tearing pain experienced or the racking sobs as grief pours out of my throat and down my cheeks into my pillow. I am losing it. I can no longer hold up under this strain and happy facade of crap - smiling politely and nodding my head while everyone tells me to "be patient" and "It'll work out in the end" when NOW is what I am worried about and no one can tell me when the fuck "the end" will be. I am tired of living in limbo, tired of seeing my children less than once a month, tired of having my visitations ignored, shortened or otherwise fucked with, tired of the tear-filled questions from my children that I'm not allowed to answer per court order because apparently California courts think all children are too stupid to deduce for themselves that their parents are having a custody battle, tired of the hurt that fills my childrens eyes at the end of every visit, tired of hearing the begging and sobs during the end of the visit as their father stands coldly by refusing to acknowledge the pain his selfishness is wreaking upon our children, tired of his smug superiority and assumption that the children are his sole possessions to keep and control instead of the sentient beings they are with feelings and minds of their own who deserve their own chance at happiness and to have their wishes and needs acknowledged instead of ignored.

Any time this crap wants to finally come to an end so I can get on with my life and make the moves and decisions that are best for my children to help heal some of this damage would be great. Really. Any time now.