Fear tastes like copper. If its strong enough you can feel it burning the back of your throat, taste it coating your tongue and smell it seeping from your pores.
Sometimes fear is brought to us by a person or place, sometimes from our own imagination or after scary ghost stories around a campfire and sometimes its embedded in a memory that only takes a sound, a touch, a smell to bring back. And with that memory comes the fear.
You can feel it in your pounding heart, feel it as it clogs your lungs, stealing air from your body. Feel the weight of cold steel coiled among the knots in your belly and taste the bitter copper of it as it rises up the back of your throat like bile to coat your mouth and tongue.
For me, with the fear comes anger. Anger at the fear, anger at the thing that triggered it, anger at the person who caused the original memory, and mostly, anger at myself for giving in to it. Not just the fear, but the memory itself, for allowing it to come back and haunt me. 13 years. 13 years past and still it can be triggered. I can become an angry, fearful, untrusting, hateful female in seconds at the whim of my past.
Is it any wonder I think I'm broken? Any wonder I worry about being more of a burden than I already am? Any wonder I sit and ponder why someone would put up with it all, love me at all, stick with me for any length of time? I often get sick of myself so why should I expect others not to get sick of me as well?
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
100 things about me for 2009
The top 10 things from last years "100 things about me" that are still true:
1) I am an active fighter against BSL (Breed specific Legislation) and have a TON of info for anyone who ever needs to use it to fight BSL in their area.
2) I currently have 2 foster dogs who are up for adoption. Cherry, the boxer mix and Mocha, the ridgeback mix.
3) I have 3 sisters and 4 brothers, all but one are younger than me.
4) I am a "Supernatural" addict and could easily become a stalker of both those boys with little prompting...
5) I am attracted to dorky personalities and boys who can make me laugh.
6) I'm a Capricorn
7) I love and collect Dragons.
8) My dream is to be a published romance writer.
9) I dont like to shop. But I have a weakness for earrings and boots!
10) I am a Nora Roberts addict.
Top 20 things I want to do before I die...
1) Go sky-diving and see if it helps me conquer my fear of heights.
2) Run a marathon for a good cause (such as relay for life)
3) Stay up all night with a loved one in order to watch the sun rise from the front porch.
4) Complete at least one romance novel and try to have it published
5) Make a difference
6) Learn to speak French fluently
7) Learn to write Japanese
8) Learn to speak Spanish fluently
9) Clean out "the vault"
10) Learn to like and forgive myself.
11) Learn to make crepes
12) Enter a baking contest
13) Make my "white Christmas" dress and wear it someplace special
14) Make love in the rain
15) Have my own 501c3 rescue
16) See/climb the alps
17) Learn to snowboard
18) Swim with dolphins
19) See Gorillas in the wild
20) Be remembered
20 New Years Resolutions:
1) Apologize for my existence less often.
2) Speak up more often
3) Save up money and get all paper work ready to put through for 501c3 rescue
4) Stop being a doormat
5) Allow myself to be happy and enjoy it
6) Be a better mother
7) Be a better girlfriend
8) Be a better sister
9) Be a better daughter
10) Be a better friend
11) Stop allowing past failures to keep me from doing what I want today.
12) Stop taking blame for everything- place blame where it actually lies.
13) Get a list of all politicians and how they voted on animal -related issues compiled by 2010
14) Get my Passion parties business up and booming
15) Be more forthcoming about my feelings
16) Get at least half of the "add to FACES" list complete before 2010
17) Organize at least one "pit bull" awareness event
18) Get at least one of my fosters adopted out
19) Get all 4 females and at least half my male cats spayed/neutered before 2010
20) Get Jazz started with a rider and Storm rideable and on trails by 2010
10 animals I want to own/rescue at some point in my life:
1) Hedgehog
2) chinchilla
3) Andalusian horse
4) Newfoundland dog
5) Alapaha Blue blood bulldog
6) Bengal cat
7) Dogue de bordeaux (french mastiff)
8) Paso Fino Horse
9) Savannah cat
10) Raccoon
Top 10 places I want to see/visit before I die
1) Alaska
2) Hawaii (already been there but long to return at least once)
3) Switzerland
4) Scotland
5) Wales
6) Ireland
7) Italy
8) Malaysia
9) Aruba
10) Jamaica
10 animals I have owned/rescued
1) Goat
2) Cats
3) Husky
4) Rottweiler mix
5) American Pit Bull Terrier
6) Chow/ shepherd mix
7) Ferrets
8) Appaloosa horse
9) Guinea pigs
10) Ducks
Top 5 Favorite Flowers:
1) Sunflower
2) Lily
3) Orchid
4) Daisy
5) Bluebells
Top 5 favorite food dishes:
1) Stuffed mushrooms
2) clam chowder in a bread bowl (yummmy!)
3) Portobello Cheese steaks
4) Seafood linguine in cream sauce
5) Spaghetti in meat sauce and mizithra cheese sauce from the Old Spaghetti Factory
10 Random Things about me:
1) My favorite colors are Royal Blue, Smoke Grey, Emerald and Forest Green
2) I have 7 scars on my body, most are from animal-related incidents.
3) I bruise easily
4) I dont like In N Out
5) I have 207 friends on my Myspace page
6) I only know 57 of those friends personally
7) I love to make my own jewelry but rarely have the time
8) One of my fantasies is to make love in the hayloft of the barn (on a blanket of course!)
9) I miss riding in gymkhana and team penning very much
10) I love my children beyond measure
1) I am an active fighter against BSL (Breed specific Legislation) and have a TON of info for anyone who ever needs to use it to fight BSL in their area.
2) I currently have 2 foster dogs who are up for adoption. Cherry, the boxer mix and Mocha, the ridgeback mix.
3) I have 3 sisters and 4 brothers, all but one are younger than me.
4) I am a "Supernatural" addict and could easily become a stalker of both those boys with little prompting...
5) I am attracted to dorky personalities and boys who can make me laugh.
6) I'm a Capricorn
7) I love and collect Dragons.
8) My dream is to be a published romance writer.
9) I dont like to shop. But I have a weakness for earrings and boots!
10) I am a Nora Roberts addict.
Top 20 things I want to do before I die...
1) Go sky-diving and see if it helps me conquer my fear of heights.
2) Run a marathon for a good cause (such as relay for life)
3) Stay up all night with a loved one in order to watch the sun rise from the front porch.
4) Complete at least one romance novel and try to have it published
5) Make a difference
6) Learn to speak French fluently
7) Learn to write Japanese
8) Learn to speak Spanish fluently
9) Clean out "the vault"
10) Learn to like and forgive myself.
11) Learn to make crepes
12) Enter a baking contest
13) Make my "white Christmas" dress and wear it someplace special
14) Make love in the rain
15) Have my own 501c3 rescue
16) See/climb the alps
17) Learn to snowboard
18) Swim with dolphins
19) See Gorillas in the wild
20) Be remembered
20 New Years Resolutions:
1) Apologize for my existence less often.
2) Speak up more often
3) Save up money and get all paper work ready to put through for 501c3 rescue
4) Stop being a doormat
5) Allow myself to be happy and enjoy it
6) Be a better mother
7) Be a better girlfriend
8) Be a better sister
9) Be a better daughter
10) Be a better friend
11) Stop allowing past failures to keep me from doing what I want today.
12) Stop taking blame for everything- place blame where it actually lies.
13) Get a list of all politicians and how they voted on animal -related issues compiled by 2010
14) Get my Passion parties business up and booming
15) Be more forthcoming about my feelings
16) Get at least half of the "add to FACES" list complete before 2010
17) Organize at least one "pit bull" awareness event
18) Get at least one of my fosters adopted out
19) Get all 4 females and at least half my male cats spayed/neutered before 2010
20) Get Jazz started with a rider and Storm rideable and on trails by 2010
10 animals I want to own/rescue at some point in my life:
1) Hedgehog
2) chinchilla
3) Andalusian horse
4) Newfoundland dog
5) Alapaha Blue blood bulldog
6) Bengal cat
7) Dogue de bordeaux (french mastiff)
8) Paso Fino Horse
9) Savannah cat
10) Raccoon
Top 10 places I want to see/visit before I die
1) Alaska
2) Hawaii (already been there but long to return at least once)
3) Switzerland
4) Scotland
5) Wales
6) Ireland
7) Italy
8) Malaysia
9) Aruba
10) Jamaica
10 animals I have owned/rescued
1) Goat
2) Cats
3) Husky
4) Rottweiler mix
5) American Pit Bull Terrier
6) Chow/ shepherd mix
7) Ferrets
8) Appaloosa horse
9) Guinea pigs
10) Ducks
Top 5 Favorite Flowers:
1) Sunflower
2) Lily
3) Orchid
4) Daisy
5) Bluebells
Top 5 favorite food dishes:
1) Stuffed mushrooms
2) clam chowder in a bread bowl (yummmy!)
3) Portobello Cheese steaks
4) Seafood linguine in cream sauce
5) Spaghetti in meat sauce and mizithra cheese sauce from the Old Spaghetti Factory
10 Random Things about me:
1) My favorite colors are Royal Blue, Smoke Grey, Emerald and Forest Green
2) I have 7 scars on my body, most are from animal-related incidents.
3) I bruise easily
4) I dont like In N Out
5) I have 207 friends on my Myspace page
6) I only know 57 of those friends personally
7) I love to make my own jewelry but rarely have the time
8) One of my fantasies is to make love in the hayloft of the barn (on a blanket of course!)
9) I miss riding in gymkhana and team penning very much
10) I love my children beyond measure
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