Have you ever looked in the mirror and just wanted to pick up a knife and stab it into the heart of the image on the other side, over and over and over again?....
What do you do with life when you come to the realization that you are the only person at the table who brings nothing to it? Have you looked around and seen yourself as the only gray blot in the room, the one imperfection among talent and kindness, friendship and a willing ear, success and happiness?.... Looked and known that you didn't & couldn't ever measure up to those around you or to the hundreds of expectations placed on you by yourself?...
Ever wondered if you would be missed if you died? thought about the lack of people who would be truly touched by your passing?... People would cry, sigh, feel sadness for a moment but how many would actually miss you, actually be affected in any way by the loss of you in their life on a day-to-day basis, the number is much smaller than you may realize and more pathetic still for those of us that have yet to leave a mark or lead anything resembling a memorable life.
It makes you realize how truly small you are to have these thoughts, to look around and realize the people who's lives you brush against would honestly be either better off or unaffected by the lack of you in their lives.
Sad. Pathetic. Small. That's me.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
The things you learn about yourself through dating
I started having "boyfriends" at 14 when I moved to my dads. Over the past 18 years of "dating" (8 of which were taken up with marriage) I have learned a lot. About dating, boys and myself. In this blog I'll share a little bit of that knowledge with all of you...
1) I learned that "I love you" doesn't always mean I love you.
2) I learned that just because you share your body, that doesn't mean he'll share his heart.
3) I learned that loving someone doesn't guarantee that they'll love you back.
4) I learned that its better to ride out the ride than to give into your fears and leave the park.
5) I learned you cant measure every boy by the same yard stick
6) I learned that a lot of boys lie, all the time.
7) I learned to not assume that all boys lie.
8) I learned that being seen as fragile can be a bad thing
9) I learned not to be vulnerable around males if it could be helped
10) I learned that some males are psychotic assholes, and that the ones who want to isolate you from your friends are best to run far far away from.
11) I learned that I am a coward when it comes to emotion
12) I learned that confrontation in relationships makes me want to turn tail and run
13) I learned that I can easily become a doormat and I put the other persons wants and needs before my own more often than not
14) I learned that i have more of a "need to please" than is healthy, for me or for the relationship
15) I learned that I have low opinions of my body and am very self concious
16) I learned that talking about sex is fine with me, unless its initiated by someone else and applies to me and specific things I've done, then its embarrassing
17) I learned that the need to feel loved can lead me to do self-destructive things that make me love myself less
18) I learned sex doesn't = love
19) I learned that giving into something you don't want to do to keep from being forced into it only offers the illusion of control, not control itself.
20) I learned that your own opinion of yourself is more important than others opinions of you, but that its often hard to convince yourself of that fact
21) I learned not to wrap my own opinion of myself up in what the males in my life thought of me
22) I learned not to rely on others for my happiness
23) I learned that it is very important to be able to depend on yourself, be self-sufficient and always have a back up plan
24) I learned that I am more neurotic in relationships than I care to admit to
25) I've learned that Cosmo relationship quizzes are wrong more often than not
1) I learned that "I love you" doesn't always mean I love you.
2) I learned that just because you share your body, that doesn't mean he'll share his heart.
3) I learned that loving someone doesn't guarantee that they'll love you back.
4) I learned that its better to ride out the ride than to give into your fears and leave the park.
5) I learned you cant measure every boy by the same yard stick
6) I learned that a lot of boys lie, all the time.
7) I learned to not assume that all boys lie.
8) I learned that being seen as fragile can be a bad thing
9) I learned not to be vulnerable around males if it could be helped
10) I learned that some males are psychotic assholes, and that the ones who want to isolate you from your friends are best to run far far away from.
11) I learned that I am a coward when it comes to emotion
12) I learned that confrontation in relationships makes me want to turn tail and run
13) I learned that I can easily become a doormat and I put the other persons wants and needs before my own more often than not
14) I learned that i have more of a "need to please" than is healthy, for me or for the relationship
15) I learned that I have low opinions of my body and am very self concious
16) I learned that talking about sex is fine with me, unless its initiated by someone else and applies to me and specific things I've done, then its embarrassing
17) I learned that the need to feel loved can lead me to do self-destructive things that make me love myself less
18) I learned sex doesn't = love
19) I learned that giving into something you don't want to do to keep from being forced into it only offers the illusion of control, not control itself.
20) I learned that your own opinion of yourself is more important than others opinions of you, but that its often hard to convince yourself of that fact
21) I learned not to wrap my own opinion of myself up in what the males in my life thought of me
22) I learned not to rely on others for my happiness
23) I learned that it is very important to be able to depend on yourself, be self-sufficient and always have a back up plan
24) I learned that I am more neurotic in relationships than I care to admit to
25) I've learned that Cosmo relationship quizzes are wrong more often than not
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