I Miss My Mind The Most...

Unfortunately my title isn't the prelude to a funny entertaining story about forgetfulness the way some might assume. We've all heard the funny saying "of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most" and seen it on T-shirts, internet memes, etc and I'm sure like the rest of us you've snickered or giggled to yourself at the silly joke and went along your way, never contemplating the repercussions of what it would be like to actually lose your mind. Over the past few months I have been victim of a war my body is raging on itself. I do not know why the war began, how or when it will end, or what is keeping it going. All I know is that now that I am aware of it I am doing my best to fight back. As soon as my medical insurance goes through (quickly, please god) my best will become even better. When your body betrays you it is the worst feeling in the world think: best friend and fiance found in a compromising position on your wedding day and then times that by ten. No, I'm not kidding. It's worse than anything you can imagine because your body is intimately a part of you, it is bound to you from birth on, you are best friends, confidantes, team-mates- your body goes through everything with you; every heartache, your first steps, every fall, every success: your body was the one that helped you score that final winning goal for your soccer team or held you in your seat when the horse beneath you had a freak out, trembled but stayed standing during your first kiss, held on strong as you pushed through labor, etc - there is no one in this world who has been through more with you or is more intimately attached to you and all your memories (both good and bad) than your body so having that same body betray you is more than a slap in the face or knife in the heart: it is the absence of hope. Which in my opinion, is why denial comes so often to those diagnosed with things like cancer or given poor prognoses: we don't want to believe that our body is fighting against us because that is the one thing we need on our side to get through it- whatever "it" happens to be. While I definitely miss my energy and miss being able to do something as simple as walking up and down the stairs or even walking to our town park (only 3 blocks away) without becoming winded, weak, dizzy or sweat-covered I would readily agree to continue to deal with that for an undisclosed period of time if only the confusion, forgetfulness and fogginess would leave me forever. I know all of us have at one time or another in our lives dealt with the moment when you walk into a room to do something, stand there for a moment and completely forget why youre there then 30 seconds after leaving the room you remember, go back and get whatever it was you needed. Imagine if that wasn't only an every day occurrence but was a Multiple times daily occurrence along with mixing up your children, forgetting their ages, birth-dates, birth statistics: all things which have been an integral part of your memories as a mom and now sometimes you can remember them, sometimes you cant and sometimes what you remember turns out to be the stats for another child even though you could have sworn it wasn't. Wanting to break down and cry doesn't begin to cover the emotional roller coaster losing your mind puts you on. Of course its not just losing my mind that has me on the emotional roller coaster, all the other symptoms combined with losing my mind is what has done it, especially when they're added to the stress of the current circumstances life and a vengeful selfish ex have dealt me recently. I'm trying to take everything in stride and be positive though while also making plans for both future's: a positive one that includes finding out whats wrong and healing it as well as the negative one that I pray isn't on my life path at this time. But well-prepared is well-armed and my children at least deserve to have a well-prepared mom so that their futures can be put on the most positive note she can give them, whether she's here to see it or not. All I really have left to say now that my fears are out on "paper" instead of crowding my heart and mind with so much stress is to honestly cherish each moment, let all those who have touched your life know that they have done so and how it has made you the better, stronger you that you are today. To those that have touched my life: I cherish all of you because without you and your actions I would not be the woman I am with a wonderful family, brilliant, loving and kind children and a compassionate, loving boyfriend who puts up with so much with more patience than most would. Thank you all for touching my life for bringing positive and cherished memories and for being a friend, a shoulder and a willing ear in times both good and bad. I cherish all of you and am ever grateful for every moment we are able to spend together. Your lives have blessed mine. Thank you.