Basket case

People are a complex creature. A mix of emotions and thoughts.... What we feel VS what is "proper" by society's standards that define normal vs. not normal. SO what happens when you are hurt, when society and the people in it let you down? What happens when you hit the point in your life that you have no self-worth, no support system and no belief in the system of society itself or the people in it?....

As I said, humans are complex and our brains are even more so. We have the ability, the power to build walls, to block out others and the hurt and pain they may bring, the ability -- like no other creature on this planet -- to control our own emotions to an extent... Aren't we lucky?...

I have spent the last approximately 20 years hating myself, trying to figure out what I had done/was doing to push away everyone in my life and to be such a disappointment, building walls to block out the hurt and block out the people in my life capable of causing hurt, punishing myself for my own failings and the failings of all around me. If they are around me, it must somehow be my fault if they fuck up, right?... I had strong sturdy walls built that no one knew how to climb, though not many tried but those who did failed.

The thing about walls though is that one chink in the mortar, one loose or crumbling brick and the foundation begins to crumble and the structure begins to fall.

I do not cry. Crying is for sissies, girly girls and wimps. I am none of these. Though there have been times I have been overwhelmed by tears throughout my life I make sure I am alone and i fight them back as soon as possible then close them down again until the next time they build up enough to overwhelm me.

The lacking of the ability to share my emotions/thoughts/feelings with the men in my life has posed problems for many a relationship in my life. Though I know this, know that it frustrates the men in my life, I cannot seem to stop it. Just as I cannot stop the feeling of panic that attacks me every time I feel the tears coming on while in the vicinity of someone I know/love.

I'm broken. I say it often but it is not believed often enough. There are words, sounds, smells that will knock me so flat with memories that I will have nightmares for weeks. I cannot have a civilized debate/argument with a male without the fear that at some point during the conversation he will raise his voice too loud or make a sudden unexpected movement and I will be reduced to a quivering mass huddled near a wall repeating "im sorry" again and again....

Who wants to live like that? I certainly dont. I do not understand why someone would volunteer to be with someone who is walking, talking, unpredictable drama. Someone with so many hang ups and bad experiences in her life she makes Jerry Springer look like family TV.

I hurt him last night. I told myself from the beginning I had no business being with him in the first place. I dont. A girl with my baggage has no business being in a relationship of any sort. I am unhealthy for the relationships and the males in them. It doesnt matter that I didnt mean to hurt him. It doesnt matter that we "made up" later that night. I have become a negative influence, have created a negative impact and have no business staying in a relationship with a person I am causing emotional harm to, whether he admits to it or not.

I was callous, selfish and my need to keep myself hidden and locked down caused him emotional pain. Now the walls i worked so hard to build are crumbling leaving me open and vulnerable while his are building, keeping me out. I do not think it is a deliberate thing at all, just a reflexive move on his part due to pain I caused.

I am afraid. I look in the mirror and I cant find myself. There are two versions of me there - the one I see and believe to be real and the one those around me tell me I am -- I'm beginning to think they are both mirages. So if neither of them are real, who am I? And is she a person worth knowing? I'm not sure I ever want to find out.....