It's time for honesty. I'm not saying that I've been lying to you or anyone else because I have been as honest as I felt I could be, but I definitely have never given anyone ALL the information that maybe I should have. Sometimes it was to protect you and keep your feelings from being hurt, other times it was purely selfish and done to keep myself from being hurt by your lashing tongue and cruel acts as we both know how vengeful you can be when things don't go your way. Either way I have yet to give you 100% truth about the hows and why's of my leaving and with the gloves currently off on your side I figure its about time I take my own off as well and lay everything out there. Who knows, maybe you'll read this one day and it will help you see yourself in a clearer light so you can become a better person, or maybe not. At least I know that by writing this whether you ever read it or not I have finally purged you and our toxic relationship from my soul completely.
I wanted to love you, I did, and I honestly tried to keep myself from falling out of love with you but I failed. For the record you made loving you practically impossible with your snide comments, verbal abuse, explosive temper, random outbursts, constant lies, refusal to accept responsibility for ANYTHING and constant misplacement of blame onto others and let's not forget the cheating or the rape. The two final straws that shattered this poor beaten camels back.
I think the first moment that started the downward spiral of me no longer loving you was the day you bought my train ticket for me to go to my dads wedding but didn't buy your own. I asked why you hadn't bought your ticket and you told me it was because we didn't have enough money. I had written the budget out for that paycheck and the 4 previous paychecks so that we could save the money and have enough to get there so the money SHOULD have been in the bank. Not only should we have had enough money for all our train tickets but there should also have been an additional $100 for unexpected expenses as well as our cable bill money and grocery bill money as neither of those had been paid yet. Instead after buying my ticket we had $29 in the account. That's not what made the first crack in the "I love you" wall though. What made the crack was when you followed me into the bedroom and began pestering me about what was wrong. I told you repeatedly I didn't want to discuss it until later when the kids were asleep because I felt it was emotionally damaging for parents to fight in front of their children. Instead of respecting my feelings or taking the emotional well being of our 2 children into consideration you instead focussed solely on what you wanted since YOU always have been and always will be the most important thing and #1 priority in your own life. This was the first time in our 2 year marriage that I recognized that truth and I lost a multitude of respect for you because of it.
You got in my face repeatedly continuously badgering me in front of both our children, one of whom was being held by me, until I finally lost it and brought up how much money should have been in the account and why the hell wasn't it since you were the one who had the bank card. We ended up in a big argument in front of our children at the end of which I ended up having to call my sister, making excuses for you ( another big chunk of respect for you lost there and the love crack widens a bit) so I could borrow money for us all to be able to attend my fathers wedding as it was not practical for me to travel 13 hours on a train with luggage, an almost 3 year old and a 7 month old BY MYSELF, so you needed to go with. Instead of thanking my sister, getting your act together, admitting any wrongdoing etc you acted as though everything were fine, you had the right to over-spend our bank account and were entitled to monetary loans from my family whenever you damn well pleased. The mask was coming off, the charming veneer wearing thin and the egotistical self-obsessed, thoroughly selfish ass was showing through. I was beginning to realize I did NOT love that guy but "that guy" was who I was really married to.
It was about halfway through year 3 of our marriage when I realized that not only wasn't I in love with you any longer but that I didn't like you at all anymore either. The lying was out of control, as was the verbal abuse, the selfishness had reached new heights I hadn't imagined possible and any attempts made on my part to try and talk things through or fix the ever widening cracks in our relationship were brushed aside and ignored by you. I considered leaving you multiple times but felt that for our children's sake I had to continue the facade and stay married to a man I disliked, had no respect for, didn't trust and was no longer in love with. To top it all off I was repelled by his touch and just the thought of having to have sex with him was revolting but any punishment was fair as long as it meant my children's needs and wants were being met. So I continued to live with a man I didn't love and continued to sleep with him as well despite my lack of desire for the task. I even got pregnant one last time in an effort to try to find a connection between us, something I could love and respect you for once more, anything to begin rebuilding our relationship on. It didn't work.
But I will never regret our relationship or staying as long as I did because by doing so I received 3 precious and irreplaceable gifts, our wonderful talented generous smart and beautiful children and I woukdnt trade any of them for anything in this world or out of it. So thank you for your part in bringing those gifts into our lives. I will always be grateful to you for that though your treatment if those lives since their births, especially during these past 3 years has done nothing but insure that you will never earn my respect nor be a likable man.
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