The different views on selfishness

OK so this statement made not long ago honestly made me shake my head in disbelief and since i cant get it out of my head or reason out how this person could honestly believe it, Im posting it here:

"I pray that you consider adoption, but that would be too selfless of a thing for you to do, after all the whole point of you getting pregnant anyway is to get another man to take care of you so you don't have to do it yourself and adoption would defeat that purpose. (By the way I checked it out, it only takes one parents consent not both.)"

Now completely ignoring the "you got pregnant on purpose" implication. The thing that got me was that Keeping the baby is selfish according to this person BUT giving the baby up for adoption without the consent of the father was not. Does that not make sense to anyone else?

Or am i the only one who feels that denying someone their parental rights just because you feel like it or someone told you to is not only selfish but also morally wrong? So its selfish to keep a baby with two people who love it and will provide for it yadda yadda or even one parent who would do the same, but a-ok and selfless to give that baby to another family, denying it both biological parents, one whom wasnt even given a choice in the matter and potentially drag the new family, the biological father AND the baby into a lawsuit which can wind up with the baby being taken from the parents it knows at an older age and possibly emotionally scarred and confused. Like these kids:

The birthfather rights issue came to the forefront most dramatically in recent years. In 1993, an Iowa birthfather successfully challenged an adoption by a Michigan couple after a battle of several years (In re Claussen). The case became publicized throughout the United States as the adoptive parents openly struggled with the birthfather over custody of the child the adopters had named "Jessica DeBoer."

In this case, the birthmother had named one man as the father of her child and he had signed consent to the adoption. After the child was placed, the birthmother stated that the biological father was really another man. The actual birthfather sought custody and won his court struggle when the child was about three years old. She was placed with him and the birthmother, whom he had married.

^What this post failed to mention was that they also re-named her. So she's 3, forced to move in with people she doesnt know and also renamed. But according to the above statement this woman was selfless to lie to the father and give this baby to this couple without his consent. I mean since he wouldnt consent to it just lie and give the baby to someone else anyway, why not?... Why give the birth father his legal rights - that would be selfish apparently. And putting that little girl through a legal battle was definitely not selfish in any way. Not at all. *eyeroll*

Another case, known popularly as "the Baby Richard case" in Illinois, also received national notice, primarily because of stories written by Chicago columnist Bob Greene and a nationally prominent author, Dennis Prager. In this case, a birthmother placed a child for adoption and told the birthfather the baby had died. She later admitted the adoption and the birthfather actively sought custody. He prevailed when the child was about three years old. The birthparents later divorced and the child purportedly is being reared by his noncustodial birthmother.

^Hmmm another case in which a baby is raised by one family and then yanked away and given to strangers at 3 years old. Nice, but those moms were totally selfless thinking only of themselves and what they wanted and lying their asses off to deny the biological fathers their rights. Thats the definition of selflessness, after all. Totally.

Because these two cases received an unusually high level of media attention, nearly all state legislatures subsequently reviewed their laws on birthfathers, and many new laws were enacted. Some states created putative father registries, while other states created laws allowing for prebirth consent from a birthfather. Some states required the birthfather to appear in court within a certain timeframe or to submit documents to a particular court or organization in order for paternity to be established.

And cases like those are what led to THIS: The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that a law depriving all unwed fathers of the right to decide against adoption, whether or not they actually took care of the children in question, was unconstitutional and a form of SEX DISCRIMINATION.


So, regardless of state laws all a father has to do is cite that SUPREME COURT ruling and he has a case and then your child might be the one that winds up living with someone he never met whos rights you tried to deny at 3 years old with a different name. But yet, you were just being selfless after all. Right?

The Double Standards of Friendship...

Ohhhhhhh where to begin, where to begin.

I am not the type of female that surrounds herself with other females, the reasons why are numerous. Females are often catty, rarely trustworthy, extremely vindictive, always competitive in one regard or another with other females and on and on I could go...

Every once in a while though you come across females in which those traits are either not present or are so minimal that it makes a friendship with them worth it. For the past 3 years I thought my best friend was one of those females.... I found out this past weekend I was wrong.

I met Wendy Nichole Nelson online on myspace in a group called Pits Only. We were in many other groups together as well and at some point amidst posting on dog topics we became friends. We shared email and IM and phone numbers and talked on a regular basis. The number of paralells in our lives were amazing in that "kinda spooky" way.... We were so similar people often mistook us for each other or would just assume that what one said the other agreed with 100% even when that wasnt entirely so. It was fun but annoying at the same time. People often said it was almost like we were "the same person" and we were similar enough in looks we were often mistaken for each other by neighbors or asked if we were sisters. We felt like sisters.



In the end of summer 2007 Wendy moved to Southern California to live with a mutual friend. I became her free babysitter, first while she job hunted and then while she worked. She was supposed to help out in trade but spent more time online in front of my computer than watching children (even her own) or helping me clean as agreed. That should have been my first sign but as the dog groups and the fight against BSL had become a crusade of mine as well I understood her preocupation and so made excuses for it in my own head. She had just gotten out of a bad marriage that had many similarities to my own at the time and thus formed another bond between us. Meanwhile her lack of help and the fact she was on the computer or leaving us with her kids all the time was adding another strain to an already breaking marriage which led to more fighting and tension between J and I and offered her an even further in as the sympathetic ear and devoted caring friend.

We began looking for houses to move into together and during the search I contacted my dad and moved up here leaving her babysitterless which, in hindsight, may have left her feeling betrayed and began the first step in this long path of betrayal.

She got a babysitter, lost a babysitter, got another, lost another and eventually made her way up here after living in her car with kids for 2 weeks. I took her in with open arms. The plan was that she would help out with the house we would take turn babysitting each others kids and once she found a job she would stay a month or two to save up then move into an apartment close by so we could continue to babysit for each other.

She made minimal job hunting efforts, spent hours upon hours online in myspace, facebook, a fishing group and perusing craigslist ads, all in an effort to meet and sleep with as many men (and potential marks) as she could.... Made minimal housecleaning efforts and lived here for 7 months rent/food/bill free on top of my giving her gas money because she often ran errands for me while I cleaned - I never received any change from any of the errands and she would miraculously have money to buy herself soda and chips after running errands for me, I never said anything as it was a few dollars here and there. Many people in my life were unimpressed with her, questioned her motives, called her a user or a leach and i defended her to every one of them; She was trying but the job market was extremely poor due to the economy, she did help out but she had been sick lately, and the list of excuses and defenses went on and on.

During the last two months she became close with another friend we had both met online years ago and they decided to meet in person. He paid for her to travel to indiana and they entered into a relationship, made plansfor her to move in with him and signed a lease to rent a house together. The relationship was tumultuous to say the least and i was extremely unsure of its ability to last and the smartness of their decision to live together so early on. I was very vocal about my concerns and he and I began fighting. She would consistently pour gasoline on those fires to fuel those fights as often as possible.

As she was telling me how mean he was and how poorly he treated her and how jealous he was etc etc she was telling him I was abusing her kids, forcibly keeping her from getting a job, using her as a slave and making life a living hell from which she longed to escape. Though her hours online and extremely long phones conversations with him should have provided him the proof he needed to see through said lies, he was blinded by love and took up the sword to defend the honor of his poor defensless girlfriend.

She misjudged her quarry when in the last fight we were involved in she fanned the flames a little too much and he let known his opinion of me for all the above mentioned "crimes". An even bigger battle ensued as I tried to defend my name by offering the truth and he countered with lie upon malicious and disgusting lie... all had come from her.

I kicked her out of my house, turned off the cellphone we had been paying for her for almost 2 years and threatened to have her car towed if someone didnt pick it up within 24 hours (she is in oregon visiting her mom) I also reclaimed the dog we had adopted from her for jason and i was going to give back to her due to jasons irresponsibly deciding he didnt want his beloved 'pretty pittie princess' anymore now that he would have to be the one to actually care for her... of course she doesnt know the dog has been reclaimed yet but, Hey, i cant wait to see the look on her face when I tell her. And as she hasnt paid a dime on the dog for food or care except for a new collar, I have every right to keep whats mine. =)

The fighting amongst the boyfriend and I continued and I got even more info. Finally I had enough and in a pissed off effort to hurt them both told him every lie I knew she had told him from the start of their relationship until now complete with the names and phone numbers of the people involved who could back me up. When he went to her with the info that i was about to provide names/numbers she admited the lies. Which effectively ended their relationship.


For about 5 hours.

He is "in love with her" and "has to try to make it work" and while I give him props for being able to stick he gets more points taken away for total stupidity. Alas, its his life and he needs to be allowed to fall on his own face from time to time but I have a feeling reconstructive surgery may not be enough to undo the damage once she's through with him.

I've said my peace thats all I can do. That, and pray he comes to his senses and also post this blog in an effort that those who come in contact with this deadly black widow spider see her for what she truly is and avoid her web at all costs.



Good luck in life, Wendy Nichole Nelson, may Karma come back to give you what you have thrown out to others tenfold, and may it happen soon.

*sigh*

Stress sucks. Literally. It sucks the energy from your body, the happiness from your soul, the will to fight from your life... It just sucks in general.

For me stress comes mostly from myself. I stress over, about adn around just about everything - but i have to think it to death first. Its a little retarded to most of the world and annoying to those same people as well. which I get in a sense but it still sucks to feel like your thoughts, feelings and concerns are being laughed off or brushed aside as "silly" just because the other person doesnt agree with your veiwpoint.

I'm tired of crying. It seems to be all I'm doing lately - stressing myself to the point I want to throw up and crying. Over so many things - mostly over my own neurotic worries, I guess.

When do you know you've thought too much? Or have taken things to far? How do you know its time to stop stressing, worrying, wondering and comparing the past to the present?

Im tired of being the neurotic over-thinking fearful bunny rabbit of a wimp. The bold girl who reached for what she wanted has been buried so long under thick layers of fear and hate that I'm unsure if she even exists anymore. I miss her some days.

Maybe its time for a long heart-to-heart with myself. Maybe its time to stop running away and start running TO...
*happiness
*hope
*what i want
*my dreams

Then just take hold and hang on.

Now if only I can find the courage. Anyone have some for sale?...

FEAR

Fear tastes like copper. If its strong enough you can feel it burning the back of your throat, taste it coating your tongue and smell it seeping from your pores.

Sometimes fear is brought to us by a person or place, sometimes from our own imagination or after scary ghost stories around a campfire and sometimes its embedded in a memory that only takes a sound, a touch, a smell to bring back. And with that memory comes the fear.

You can feel it in your pounding heart, feel it as it clogs your lungs, stealing air from your body. Feel the weight of cold steel coiled among the knots in your belly and taste the bitter copper of it as it rises up the back of your throat like bile to coat your mouth and tongue.

For me, with the fear comes anger. Anger at the fear, anger at the thing that triggered it, anger at the person who caused the original memory, and mostly, anger at myself for giving in to it. Not just the fear, but the memory itself, for allowing it to come back and haunt me. 13 years. 13 years past and still it can be triggered. I can become an angry, fearful, untrusting, hateful female in seconds at the whim of my past.

Is it any wonder I think I'm broken? Any wonder I worry about being more of a burden than I already am? Any wonder I sit and ponder why someone would put up with it all, love me at all, stick with me for any length of time? I often get sick of myself so why should I expect others not to get sick of me as well?

100 things about me for 2009

The top 10 things from last years "100 things about me" that are still true:

1) I am an active fighter against BSL (Breed specific Legislation) and have a TON of info for anyone who ever needs to use it to fight BSL in their area.
2) I currently have 2 foster dogs who are up for adoption. Cherry, the boxer mix and Mocha, the ridgeback mix.
3) I have 3 sisters and 4 brothers, all but one are younger than me.
4) I am a "Supernatural" addict and could easily become a stalker of both those boys with little prompting...
5) I am attracted to dorky personalities and boys who can make me laugh.
6) I'm a Capricorn
7) I love and collect Dragons.
8) My dream is to be a published romance writer.
9) I dont like to shop. But I have a weakness for earrings and boots!
10) I am a Nora Roberts addict.

Top 20 things I want to do before I die...

1) Go sky-diving and see if it helps me conquer my fear of heights.
2) Run a marathon for a good cause (such as relay for life)
3) Stay up all night with a loved one in order to watch the sun rise from the front porch.
4) Complete at least one romance novel and try to have it published
5) Make a difference
6) Learn to speak French fluently
7) Learn to write Japanese
8) Learn to speak Spanish fluently
9) Clean out "the vault"
10) Learn to like and forgive myself.
11) Learn to make crepes
12) Enter a baking contest
13) Make my "white Christmas" dress and wear it someplace special
14) Make love in the rain
15) Have my own 501c3 rescue
16) See/climb the alps
17) Learn to snowboard
18) Swim with dolphins
19) See Gorillas in the wild
20) Be remembered

20 New Years Resolutions:

1) Apologize for my existence less often.
2) Speak up more often
3) Save up money and get all paper work ready to put through for 501c3 rescue
4) Stop being a doormat
5) Allow myself to be happy and enjoy it
6) Be a better mother
7) Be a better girlfriend
8) Be a better sister
9) Be a better daughter
10) Be a better friend
11) Stop allowing past failures to keep me from doing what I want today.
12) Stop taking blame for everything- place blame where it actually lies.
13) Get a list of all politicians and how they voted on animal -related issues compiled by 2010
14) Get my Passion parties business up and booming
15) Be more forthcoming about my feelings
16) Get at least half of the "add to FACES" list complete before 2010
17) Organize at least one "pit bull" awareness event
18) Get at least one of my fosters adopted out
19) Get all 4 females and at least half my male cats spayed/neutered before 2010
20) Get Jazz started with a rider and Storm rideable and on trails by 2010

10 animals I want to own/rescue at some point in my life:

1) Hedgehog
2) chinchilla
3) Andalusian horse
4) Newfoundland dog
5) Alapaha Blue blood bulldog
6) Bengal cat
7) Dogue de bordeaux (french mastiff)
8) Paso Fino Horse
9) Savannah cat
10) Raccoon

Top 10 places I want to see/visit before I die

1) Alaska
2) Hawaii (already been there but long to return at least once)
3) Switzerland
4) Scotland
5) Wales
6) Ireland
7) Italy
8) Malaysia
9) Aruba
10) Jamaica

10 animals I have owned/rescued

1) Goat
2) Cats
3) Husky
4) Rottweiler mix
5) American Pit Bull Terrier
6) Chow/ shepherd mix
7) Ferrets
8) Appaloosa horse
9) Guinea pigs
10) Ducks

Top 5 Favorite Flowers:

1) Sunflower
2) Lily
3) Orchid
4) Daisy
5) Bluebells

Top 5 favorite food dishes:

1) Stuffed mushrooms
2) clam chowder in a bread bowl (yummmy!)
3) Portobello Cheese steaks
4) Seafood linguine in cream sauce
5) Spaghetti in meat sauce and mizithra cheese sauce from the Old Spaghetti Factory

10 Random Things about me:

1) My favorite colors are Royal Blue, Smoke Grey, Emerald and Forest Green
2) I have 7 scars on my body, most are from animal-related incidents.
3) I bruise easily
4) I dont like In N Out
5) I have 207 friends on my Myspace page
6) I only know 57 of those friends personally
7) I love to make my own jewelry but rarely have the time
8) One of my fantasies is to make love in the hayloft of the barn (on a blanket of course!)
9) I miss riding in gymkhana and team penning very much
10) I love my children beyond measure

Basket case

People are a complex creature. A mix of emotions and thoughts.... What we feel VS what is "proper" by society's standards that define normal vs. not normal. SO what happens when you are hurt, when society and the people in it let you down? What happens when you hit the point in your life that you have no self-worth, no support system and no belief in the system of society itself or the people in it?....

As I said, humans are complex and our brains are even more so. We have the ability, the power to build walls, to block out others and the hurt and pain they may bring, the ability -- like no other creature on this planet -- to control our own emotions to an extent... Aren't we lucky?...

I have spent the last approximately 20 years hating myself, trying to figure out what I had done/was doing to push away everyone in my life and to be such a disappointment, building walls to block out the hurt and block out the people in my life capable of causing hurt, punishing myself for my own failings and the failings of all around me. If they are around me, it must somehow be my fault if they fuck up, right?... I had strong sturdy walls built that no one knew how to climb, though not many tried but those who did failed.

The thing about walls though is that one chink in the mortar, one loose or crumbling brick and the foundation begins to crumble and the structure begins to fall.

I do not cry. Crying is for sissies, girly girls and wimps. I am none of these. Though there have been times I have been overwhelmed by tears throughout my life I make sure I am alone and i fight them back as soon as possible then close them down again until the next time they build up enough to overwhelm me.

The lacking of the ability to share my emotions/thoughts/feelings with the men in my life has posed problems for many a relationship in my life. Though I know this, know that it frustrates the men in my life, I cannot seem to stop it. Just as I cannot stop the feeling of panic that attacks me every time I feel the tears coming on while in the vicinity of someone I know/love.

I'm broken. I say it often but it is not believed often enough. There are words, sounds, smells that will knock me so flat with memories that I will have nightmares for weeks. I cannot have a civilized debate/argument with a male without the fear that at some point during the conversation he will raise his voice too loud or make a sudden unexpected movement and I will be reduced to a quivering mass huddled near a wall repeating "im sorry" again and again....

Who wants to live like that? I certainly dont. I do not understand why someone would volunteer to be with someone who is walking, talking, unpredictable drama. Someone with so many hang ups and bad experiences in her life she makes Jerry Springer look like family TV.

I hurt him last night. I told myself from the beginning I had no business being with him in the first place. I dont. A girl with my baggage has no business being in a relationship of any sort. I am unhealthy for the relationships and the males in them. It doesnt matter that I didnt mean to hurt him. It doesnt matter that we "made up" later that night. I have become a negative influence, have created a negative impact and have no business staying in a relationship with a person I am causing emotional harm to, whether he admits to it or not.

I was callous, selfish and my need to keep myself hidden and locked down caused him emotional pain. Now the walls i worked so hard to build are crumbling leaving me open and vulnerable while his are building, keeping me out. I do not think it is a deliberate thing at all, just a reflexive move on his part due to pain I caused.

I am afraid. I look in the mirror and I cant find myself. There are two versions of me there - the one I see and believe to be real and the one those around me tell me I am -- I'm beginning to think they are both mirages. So if neither of them are real, who am I? And is she a person worth knowing? I'm not sure I ever want to find out.....

Have you ever looked in the mirror and just wanted to pick up a knife and stab it into the heart of the image on the other side, over and over and over again?....

What do you do with life when you come to the realization that you are the only person at the table who brings nothing to it? Have you looked around and seen yourself as the only gray blot in the room, the one imperfection among talent and kindness, friendship and a willing ear, success and happiness?.... Looked and known that you didn't & couldn't ever measure up to those around you or to the hundreds of expectations placed on you by yourself?...

Ever wondered if you would be missed if you died? thought about the lack of people who would be truly touched by your passing?... People would cry, sigh, feel sadness for a moment but how many would actually miss you, actually be affected in any way by the loss of you in their life on a day-to-day basis, the number is much smaller than you may realize and more pathetic still for those of us that have yet to leave a mark or lead anything resembling a memorable life.

It makes you realize how truly small you are to have these thoughts, to look around and realize the people who's lives you brush against would honestly be either better off or unaffected by the lack of you in their lives.

Sad. Pathetic. Small. That's me.